Monday, February 24, 2014
Good Morning Burnfans!
I'm back with a bullet! Wooooosh! I'm like some sort of mythical beast, am i real or am I made of Tupperware? Nobody knows, least of all me.
Sorry...I decided that I'd start the blog with a moderately acid fueled ramble. It sounded better in my head.
I barely know where to begin today...so I'm just gonna start by saying that expats are a load of old cocks these days. I know, I know, I know....I sound like the fake David Thiessen who comes onto my blog and splodges his hate cum all over my e-face....but just lately I've noticed that there are some expat Facebook groups that seem to have devolved into constant sources of shit flinging at our Korean hosts. It may be that Kim Yuna being consigned to a silver medal was the thing that tipped it over the edge, but I've noticed that Every Expat In Korea, and English Teachers In South Korea have become factories of hyperbole and tears...but which is worse?
Rather than bang on incessantly about it...I shall simply paste a selection of comments from those pages here...and let you make up your own mind. Now, it's worth noting that these are the comments that the moderators left on the page...there were much worse that have since been deleted
Firstly....Every Expat In Korea -
marry one and you'll never be more than a week away from that"
This was posted by a guy whose 'name' is Globalenglishinkorea. I assume that's a business name...and I also assume that if he keeps posting stupid shit like that in public forums, then it's only a matter of time before the netizens find his business details and do their crazy dance. You'd have to be a fucking moron to not see how fucked in the head it is to post stupid shit like that on Facebook.
"They (Koreans) don't care about anything that's more than about 5 years old. So for example, "Gangnam Style" is already on it's way to being completely forgotten (if it isn't forgotten already). You might say that's good for something like "Gangnam Style". The problem though is that with this mind set, they don't produce anything that is worth remembering 5 years later.
William, I spent 9 years in Korea. I didn't meet ANYBODY there, even among older people, that cared about for example, music from the 80s, or even 90s. The only exception I can think of, is the Beatles, which is mostly a 60s band. But even there, there are only about 5 out of the 180 songs the Beatles produced that they know about.
Just as a comparison, take another band from the 1960s, the Monkees. How many of your western friends know who the Monkees are compared to Koreans?
William, just as another point of comparison, I live in China now. It was a Chinese woman that was the first to tell me that Shirley Temple (an actress that was famous in the 1930s or 1940s) recently died. Can you think of any Koreans that would even know who Shirley Temple was?"
Ok, let's go back 30 years to the 1980s. Western culture has U2 (which as I said, is currently a top grossing band when they go on tour), Prince, Guns and Roses, Queen, REM, Metallica, Van Halen, Aerosmith (although Aerosmith is also 70s). These bands are still popular today. In fact, the lead singer of Aerosmith, Steven Tyler, was recently a judge on American Idol.
What do Koreans have from the 1980s that they still care about?"I love this series of posts for a whole heap of reasons...not least of which is the Guns 'N' Roses, Prince, REM and Van Halen are 'still popular today'. Yeah. You heard it here folks. Koreans don't know about anything from the past? They're ignorant fucks because they're never heard of Shirley Temple? Suck my balls please. I really can't believe how fucked in the head some of this shit is. If you've lived in Korea for more than six weeks then you'd know how full of shit this bloke is. One word. Trot. If you lived here for 9 years and can't think of any form of music that's over 30 years old, then that's your ignorant fault. Also, the number of 'Live Bars' and 7080 singing bars, where they sing songs...from the '70's and '80's would suggest that there is an awareness of older western music. If that doesn't persuade you, then you may want to take the time to visit one of the thousands of 'vinyl bars' where the walls are lined with albums from all manner of western (and other) artists and you can request songs while you sip on a whisky and shoot the shit with the extremely knowledgable owner.
Just because you're too ignorant to know that shit exists in Korea, doesn't mean that shit doesn't exist in Korea. It's one of my pet hates. You get these fucktards who spend all of their time in their little western bubble...fluffing about from the local foreigner bar, to their school, to the foreigner bar, to Itaewon, to Hongdae (main streets only) and then back to school. Then after nine years here they think that they know everything, when they clearly never took the time to actually get in and amongst shit and try to understand the place where they live. They then get all jaded and pissy, move to China and rag on Koreans because they don't know who Shirley Temple is. I'm sorry, but considering the huge amount of (legitimate) heat that Korea gets every time one of their celebs dons black face, we should relieved that they don't know who this is -
Now...English Teachers In South Korea -
"I've ran stop lights here when a cop car was sitting at the red light.
I did it just to see if he would pull me.
Ummm....complaining that Koreans are terrible drivers whilst detailing a story about you running a red light to see if the cops were doing their job? Sounds like you're a fucking idiot.
"Number one cause of child death in Korea is being mowed down by cars."
Ummmm...really? This was said by the same dude who ran a red light just to see if the cops would notice. So...just in case you aren't following the incredible leaps of common sense here...Korean police are useless because they didn't pull him over for running a red light...therefore Koreans run red lights all the time...therefore, because Koreans run red lights all the time, Koreans are dangerous...therefore the number one cause of death for children is being hit by cars...by Koreans who run red lights because they're bad drivers, not by foreigners who run red lights because they're great drivers who want to know if Koreans are bad drivers. Logic died today.
"Korea's method/ system of policing is being lazy and people running over kids.
That's all I'm saying."
That's all he's saying. All I am saying is that he's a fucking idiot. That's all I'm saying.
"There is a crosswalk across a 5 laner next to a subway station near my house. Not a morning goes by that I don't see cars flying through on red.
Four days ago, there was a traffic jam and people were honking like mad.
When I got to the crossing, there was a woman in the road motionless and bleeding from her head. Someone hit her and all the cars were driving around her body.
Can you believe that shit?
I put my car in park, called an ambulance and waited for 30 minutes. All the while, people were honking at my stopped car.
I ended up at a police station where the cops accused me of hitting the woman.
I handed them the SD card from my car cam, pushed the cop away from his computer terminal, copied the card to his desktop and walked out."
This story is from the same dude. Frankly there are a LOT of elements of this story that appear to be complete bullshit. A lot. I love that he's manhandling police officers and installing things on computers, but only after saving lives and getting shit done. I can't wait for the tv series.
"Ask any Korean woman if they feel safe walking at night. 100% will say, "No.""
Same dude. I know. He's a font of utter bullshit and made up statistics. 100% of Korean women don't feel safe walking at night? Simply not true. This dude clearly needs to talk to some of the women whose lives he saves.
In response to the above a Korean-American lass wrote -
" I feel pretty damn safe walking around here at night alone, whether it's Seoul or Random Podunk Town. So I guess it's 99.9% of women. Maybe it's because I am from L.A. Now that place gives me the jeebies."
This elicited the following from another poster (not the guy who said the 100% statistic, but from another woman) -"In all fairness, Jen, you're overweight. Men in Korean tend to ignore heavier girls.This isn't a slight on you. I'm just pointing out the true fact that fit women, especially westerners (even when totally covered up) are more at risk here."
What the actual fuck? I mean. Really? What a fucking moron. Firstly...there are about thirty levels of fucked up in this. Rapists rape. They don't rape thin women, slutty women, sexy women, ugly women, fat women, tall women or short women only. The only formula is that rapists rape women (yes, before you men out there get upset, I am aware that men can be raped as well...but in this instance we're talking about the safety of women, so I'm discussing rape in that context, rather than the wider social context). Everything else comes down to victim blaming. Also, calling someone you don't know fat (based on a profile photo) is ridiculous and subjective. For what it's worth, didn't think that the woman who posted the original comment was fat, however, I'm not a judgmental cunt.
"I've found gyopos to be some of the most antagonistic people I've encountered here. When a Korean says something like "you're fat" and westerners complain, gyopos tell us to please understand Korean culture. But when I, a western woman who has lived in Korea for my entire adult life, say the same thing, I'm a cunt."
This is from the woman who said that fat women don't get raped. See...someone else took the time to call her a cunt. Which makes me feel nice inside. There's a lot to like about this. Firstly, you have someone who tells someone that they're too fat to be raped complaining that gyopos are antagonistic. Because saying that someone is too fat for rape is not in any way antagonistic. Secondly, the fact that she decides that what was offensive was her saying that the other woman was fat. I'll tell you this, if a Korean told me I was fat, it wouldn't bother me. If a Korean said that I felt safe because I was too fat to be raped...well...that's offensive on a whole lot of levels, but mostly for the victim blaming rhetoric that it enforces. That's what makes you a cunt.
Now...somehow the thread spirals into madness as someone gets offended by the inference that their apartment is worse than a decent Love Motel (I know...I know) and then our mate "Globalenglishinkorea" from the Every Expat In Korea thread, comes over to this page, discovers that someone is Irish and says the following -
"Irish? Oh shit. No wonder he was fired. I mean seriously, just between us, would you hire an Irishman?
I love the Irish. My Irish maid does a great job cleaning and she almost hardly sometimes maybe never ok usually drinks my alcohol."
Who said comedy was dead? Behold the greatest waygook comedian of our time. Stand aside Sam Hammington! Get off the stage Robin Williams! Fuck off Billy!!!! It's brilliant. Racist comedy is where it's at. What a bell end. Seriously. Suck my balls.
So...there we have it. A small summary of two threads from two prominent expat Facebook groups. Which one sucks the most arse? Well...for my money it seems that it's always the same four or five people on both groups who are jumping on and posting bullshit. If I had to vote which site was the most lame of the two though, I'd have to say English Teachers In South Korea. Why? Because Every Expat is supposed to be Dave's Cafe for Facebook. It was always going to be a place for fuckheads to speak shit. English Teachers In South Korea however, seems to suggest a Facebook group for teachers to shoot the shit and discuss teaching techniques or lesson planning or some shit. The moderator needs to pull their finger out of their arse and start deleting shit. i mean...a teachers site where the word cunt is used more than i use it on the blog? A teachers site where someone is told that they're too fat to rape? What the fuck is that about?
I should also say that there were some right minded (by my reckoning) folk who called the above shitheads out for their shit. So it's not all bad...but it's pretty fucking close!
Have a day Burnfans, and if you see a cunt on Facebook, do what I do...ignore his cunty shit, or write a ranty piece of shit blog post about it. Turn the other arse cheek.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Good Morning Burnchums!
How was your weekend? Sweet and dandy? I believe that it probably was! Hooray for you.
Sorry about the lack of blogging, but it is that time of year isn't it? of course it is. I don't want you to worry though, because Pappa Burndog is definitely going to be writing his regular stream of invective and bullshit as often as possible over the coming weeks. Why? Because anybody pretentious enough to refer to his alias in the 3rd person, is definitely so enamoured with the sound of his own voice that he won't stop writing.
So, avoiding every topic except for my lazy-Co for one minute...let me chat.
On Friday, lazy Co came up to me at 4.39 (we finish at 4.40) and said, "What will we do for 3rd Grade on Monday?" See, I had visited her desk throughout the afternoon, but she was downstairs gossiping with the other older lady teachers.
"I don't know, let's make a plan now." I suggested.
"But we're finished in one minute," she countered.
"Yeah, but I've got nowhere to go, and we need a lesson. So let's just get it done."
"Ummmm...let's talk about it on Monday."
Fast forward your mind to today. She arrives at the end of (a cancelled) 1st period (she's regularly up to an hour late (I respect the balls of that enough to never mind that she's doing it). We have class nine minutes after she gets to school. She avoids me. One minute before class she comes to me and says, "What do you have for the lesson?"
I reply, "Me? I don't have anything. i thought you had it." Of course, I have made a full review lesson including a song, golden bell quiz and general discussion points...but I'm tired of doing all the work...I want her to come to the table with ONE idea for a change.
So...the bell rings and she leaves the classroom...I waited 10 minutes and there are no students.
Obviously the schedule changed for today.
Thanks for letting me know.
So now I'm left to make a lesson for this afternoon's 1st and 2nd Graders, and maybe tweak the 4th Grade lesson plan for tomorrow.
All in all...things are looking up.
Have a day Burnfans!
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Good morning Burnchums and welcome to yet another day of this beautiful bitch we call life. So, an interesting series of events last night means that I’ll be calling a halt to my special edition about being sorry because some people are cunts. I know. Sad times.
So, I’m not totally sure where to start with this, so I’ll just jump in and let you come along and see where we both end up. What do you think? I mean, there’s a mountain of relevant back story and exposition, but I worry that if I try to dive straight into that it’s going to get all fucking wordy and long and confused…so let me start here.
Me and the Bird…walking. We’re strolling. Ambulating. Arm in arm as we walk along the street, taking her to the subway station after a bit of dinner and chit chat. It’s cold. Actually, I’m not entirely sure that it is cold, but I’m cold because the Bird has my coat on, and I’m just wearing a t-shirt. So I’m cold, and I figure if the Bird has my coat on then the weather is cold as well.
We’re crossing at a set of lights, we have the green man giving us his permission to walk toward him, and we follow his instructions. Then, suddenly, a car…a van…a four wheel drive? Some sort of large white thing comes screaming to a halt just centimeters from my ample mid section. I throw my hand up in a ‘stop’ like gesture and yell, “Whoah” like I’m Bill…or Ted.
Actually, it probably wasn’t like that…but you get the idea. We continue on our way, and are on the footpath (sidewalk my American chums) when we note that the young male driver has the passenger window down and is yelling at us.
"He says that you said ‘fuck you’," explains the Bird helpfully. I laugh.
"Nah, nah, nah…I didn’t say anything." I chortle. The man doesn’t see the funny side of things. He gets out of his car and starts walking around the back of it toward us. I realise now that he’s actually gone to trouble of pulling his car into the parking spaces. This is not a decision made on a whim, he had already planned on being parked and getting out of the car.
Still, I’m hardly the sort of chap to be intimidated by some scrawny, pissed off twenty-five year old walking around his car with a manic look in his eye. I’m Burndog. I’ve been punched more than once, and I’ve also had the distinct pleasure of punching more than one person in retort. In short, it’s NOT my first time at the dance. So, I don’t mind that he’s coming toward me. I gesture for him to come on over, in my best Hulk Hogan style….the finger point and me nodding as if to say, “Yeah brother, Burndogmania is running wild.” It’s fair to say that at this point, I’m not overly worried about the possibility of there being a dust up.
Then…I realise that my little man (in my head…not my penis) is telling me some shit…giving me a warning. He’s reminding me of a friend who is STILL in shit because of some fucking yahoo who provoked him into hitting him and then called the police. Yeah.
You often hear foreigners moan about the legal system in Korea being racist, but that’s a load of total fucking bullshit. The legal system in Korea isn’t racist, it’s just a shit system that rewards weak people who instigate, guaranteeing that no matter who started shit, no matter who did what, the weakest most litigious person will always win. In the example that my brain is screaming about, two friends of ours were at a movie (they are both Korean fyi) and the woman behind them was talking constantly during the movie. My friend’s girlfriend asks her to be quiet, and some arguing ensues. Later, they are outside the cinema and they bump into the other people again (it’s a father and mother and their 30 something year old daughter) and the daughter starts yelling at my friend and his girlfriend, and slaps him. His girlfriend pushes her away, and then the father of the girl punches my friends girlfriend. My friend clocks the father upside the head.
Long story short, they call the police and my friend and his girlfriend are the ‘villains’ of the piece and have been paying legal and medical bills for these cretins ever since. This story comes to mind…as do other similar stories…so that by the time the fucktard gets up in my face and starts shouting I’m already over the whole thing.
I tell him to fuck off. He steps forward like he wants to fight. I suggest that he goes back to his car. He moves toward me, but instead of going for me, he shoves the Bird as hard as he can. Now, I’m not entirely sure what his play was with this move. I imagine that he thought that he would push her, she would scream, and I would rush in to save her, laying into him and generating enough pain and suffering for him to get a nice pay day. Well, if that was his plan, he picked the wrong target. The Bird is anything but your classic wallflower who needs a man to save her from trouble! I have to leap forward alright, but I’m diving in to stop the Bird from beating eighteen colours of shit out of this dickhead! She’s cursing and swinging her arms, basically telling me to wait over there while she teaches this punk a lesson.
Well, your man has taken three steps back and started to evaluate the situation. He’s got a big white guy wearing a t-shirt in -5 degree weather, struggling to restrain an angry woman in a coat that appears to be fifteen sizes too big for her. He looks unsure.
"You want to talk about this? Let’s go in front of your car where the camera is, we can talk there" declares the Bird, calming down enough to walk around to the front of the guys car. Smart move by the Bird. This is good advice for all of you if you are ever confronted by a driver. GO to the front of their car, so that the black box recorder (most Korean cars have them these days) records what happens. The first thing the police will do in these situations is check that footage, and it’s difficult to claim innocence and injury when the video shows what really happened.
The dude runs and jumps in his car. I run around the back and take a photo of his number plate.
He is sitting inside the car now, and he starts yelling that foreigners should leave Korea. He tells me I should go back to my country (in Korean). The Bird tells him to never go to any country, and I call him every Korean swear word I know. He glares at us. He suggests that I go back to my country and that foreigners should stay away from Korean women.
The Bird cries like I’ve never heard a human cry before, and I hold her, feeling her shudder and sob as I wonder if we did the right thing, or if I should have let her beat him up. She’s angry because that’s the price that you pay for following your better instincts sometimes, and she’s sad because she really can’t understand why a person would act like that toward us just because I’m not Korean.
This isn’t the first time that we’ve experienced this kind of thing, and I doubt that it will be the last. The key to having a happy life here is to acknowledge that these things can happen, but that they happen rarely because most Koreans are as outraged and embarrassed by them as we are. I do regret not hitting him, and I do regret denying the Bird her right to hit him, however I don’t doubt that we did the right thing. It’s so much easier to avoid becoming the bitter, cynical, expat dickhead if you can avoid the pain and bureaucracy of visiting police stations and filing reports.
So…that’s that. Lessons learned and lives saved. All in all…a very successful Monday night.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
|The downstairs window, bubble wrapped...but still deadly!!!|
I break from my usual break to inform you of trouble and strife in the Burndome (the name of my palatial mansion).
I HAVE MOLD!
At this school, the mold came two months ago. I told the ECT. She told the office lady. I waited. One month later they asked me for photos. I shit you not. I gave them photos. I waited a month. Then they said that the owner is 'VERY busy'. They said that he had agreed to send me some spray so that I could clean the mold.
Fuck that noise!
I suggested that the owner was never too busy to collect the money that we pay him, so he shouldn't be too busy to come and do some fucking work and fix HIS apartment. They said that he was too busy. I said fuck! They said he was too busy. I said not literally. They said that he was too busy.
So. I spoke with She Who Must Not Be Named. She got angry and demanded the owner's phone number. I got the number and she called him.
|Looking upstairs from downstairs.|
|More mold than a French cheese factory!|
|The only culture in the whole province! Bang!|
Friday, January 3, 2014
Happy New Year!
I've been on my annual winter break from this endeavour, and loving it. I'll be back soon enough, so don't worry.
Until then...please allow me to respond to my favourite little stalker's most recent comments on the blog.
Hi Dickless Douchey Dave! Let's see what you wrote...and reply.
Firstly Dickless asked -
Why am I banned? Well you won't accept the truth so I won't tell you but it is not for the reasons you suggest or others claim.(this is in reference to the fact that he has been banned from every website in Korea apart from this blog)
David, if you refuse to explain yourself, then i can only believe what I've read everywhere else that you've posted. That is to say, you have been banned because you are an ignorant, ill mannered, trolling piece of fecal matter, so they flush you with the other waste. I keep you because I like a little bit of shit about the place, it makes everything else smell nice.
Dickless Dave said -
No, simply teach the 6 students and give them the best material possible. A good western teacher doesn't worry about numbers but will teach those students who show upWrong again dummy. A really 'good western teacher' visits each homeroom and drums up interest in the camp by sharing the themes of the camp and what we'll be doing.
I taught this camp this week. 30 kids came. Now, can you please suck my balls before you bother telling me about what a 'good western teacher' does? You stupid fuck. You don't know what you're talking about. Shut your pie hole.
Douchey Dog Diddling Dave said -
Those that cry the loudest are guiltiest most of all.You broke our agreement Dave. I said be nice, and I wouldn't swear...but you had to go and be a cunt. Well...if that's the way you want it...that's the way you'll get it.
You really must be guilty of many, many offenses and you lack so much
You sir, are a master of irony. Those that cry loudest are guiltiest most of all? Interesting that a whiny fucking bitch like you says that. Nobody cries louder and more often than you Dave. You are a constant source of wailing, tooth gnashing, cock punching sorrow.
"Poor Dave! Nobody else is as humble and fucking awesome as Dave! Nothing is as wonderful as Dave! Jesus would suck my cock if I had one...but I don't! I'm Dickless Dave! Woe is meee"
You are an empty can rolling down the stairs of my world Dave. I am the Dragon Slayer, and you are the headless, dickless dragon.
Victory is mine!
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Two weeks ago -
Co-Teacher : "Burndog, for Winter Camp we will have 3rd and 4th Grade and then the second week we should have 5th and 6th Grade."
Burndog : "But 6th Grade won't come to Winter Camp. We should just have a 3rd Grade Camp and a 4th, 5th and 6th. That way more students can come."
Co-Teacher : "No. That's not necessary.
Co-Teacher: "What are we going to do? The Grade 3 and 4 camp has over 40 students and the 5th and 6th camp has 6!! What should we do????"
Burndog: "Fuck my life."
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Howdy doodly doo Burnfanaroony!
Today I want to share with you a moment that we have all been waiting for...the 2nd coming! Yes! The Daveman cometh...all over Burndog's face, neck and chest (now Dave...tell me you read that and didn't get hard???).
See, recently I pretended to send Dave's 'resume' and 'photo' out to some recruiters in the solid hope that I might be able to find the poor schlub a job (and not a handjob!). Well...this was done with the solid hope that our hero would return and bring with him his special brand of guidance and wisdom. You see, I read the interwebs, I see what happens when Dave is left to wander free. Banned from Dave's. Banned from waygook. Banned from GMarket. Banned from all forms of social media and interactions Dave has been left without a voice. So...I give him a voice. I give him an outlet to share his ministry and guidance...and he gives me...ummm....abuse? So it's win win!
Anyways...I thought I would share his comments and reply to them anew here...as he appears to have missed my original replies. Poor chap.
Now I know that the REAL David Thiessen wrote that, because he wrote it in Comic Sans...which is his font of choice. Don't believe me shitbrick? Then check out his books...he even uses Comic Sans in his fucking books!
Do you know what's really fucking fishy and weird? Thiessen. His real name is Derrick T Thiessen, but he goes by "David Thiessen" in Korea...and he then publishes his book as "Dr. David Tee"...but he is NOT a Dr....not at all. Why all the names? What does he have to hide? A little bit of googling under his various pseudonyms reveals some compelling shit...but Burndog doesn't muckrake...he slays dragons...but he doesn't muckrake. So...Dr Derrick David Tee bag....let me be clear...I know the difference between a real person and a fucking sham. You're a fucking sham...and I'm onto you. So shut the fuck up about "Korean Prosecutors" or whatever...you're full of shit. There's no law, in Korea in any other country, against a fella going about his business. You want to threaten me with legal action? Well, you can legally suck my big fat balls. Eve threatened me with legal action after you wrote that fake email and claimed it was her...but where the fuck is she now? Nowhere. So...contact your prosecutors...contact whoever you want...but be prepared too explain that email, and where it came from...because once we go down that rabbit hole I'm reasonably certain that I shall be the one pissing, and you shall be the one drinking that piss. You're no nearly as fucking clever as you think dickhole.
So...fake DDT (we all know that I'm writing this to the fake Dr David Thiessen right? The real one would be shocked to know that this impostor is using his good name to spread nonsense all over the interwebs!
Now...I think that's all that I want to say right now Fake David...please fuck off.
It's a brand new day and your fearless leader is feeling chipper.
Yes...I was pissy yesterday...and no...I didn't end up getting what I want....but (and it's not a big but
) I have come to terms with the reality of the situation...and the reality of the situation is that I am in the first year of my contract, and that means that I have to accept that there will be attempts to penetrate my anus. It's the way shit works. I wish that it wasn't, but it is. At my first school, I spent my entire first year being fucked every which way...but then when I negotiated for my second contract I clearly laid out a list of demands. This worked a treat...and the second year was a lot less painful.
Will that work again at this school? I hope so. Will I have to teach those lessons that I missed because of my surgery?
I know that it's technically against my contract, but at the same time, I'm probably better off losing an hour or two of my planning time and following the path of least resistance. I've been very clear in my lack of enthusiasm for the entire thing...which means that my co-teacher at least knows that it's not something that's going to happen again. I've also behaved in a sensible and friendly manner, which is better in the long term, because my co-teacher is fantastic, and there's no point burning shit down when you don't have to.
Dave's back...and later today I'm going to tear that fucktard a new arsehole.